Yoloha! I’m tickled you’re here. I was wondering when you were going to pop by...
Welcome to my new website! I would have had it up sooner, but I had to wait for websites to become totally out of style before launching it. Now that the idea of website is mostly obsolete, I can safely launch my own.
(Before launching it however, of course, I had to spend a lot of time on it and also a ton of money. Me and Webmaster Flash Matt. If you ask him he’ll probably say that he spun this up for me as a favor. But the truth is I paid him a gang of money to make the website you are ogling right now.)
It doesn’t actually matter how much it cost because I love it. I love this new website! Plus I can afford to overspend on my website in 2026 because I didn’t spend a lot of dough on one 20 years ago when everyone else was-- when the website was actually a viable tool for propagating art and pimping real estate.
You can shop for real estate on this website by clicking on the HOUSE link above. Go ahead—click on it search for real estate until you’re blue in the junk. I won’t know or care. If you want to buy something you find while searching the MLS on this website, just click on the contact link and I’ll walk over and meet you wherever you are and we can figure out how to go about getting you the keys.
You can also listen to music on this website. Mostly you can only listen to music that I helped make, but it’s just as good as most other music and better than some. If you want to watch music videos with me in them, then click on the LISTEN link above and you’ll be shown some songs to choose from.
Did you know that you can also shop on this website?! I dare you to click on the SHOP link and do some browsing. If you see something you like, just put it in your cart and proceed to check-out like on any other website. You can also register to receive something free in the mail by filling out the short form in the pop-up. I double dare you!
But you know, mostly this website is about words. I’ve been writing them down my whole life and I have a bunch of them saved up. I wanted to have someplace to keep them all, which is mostly why I made this website in the first place. There are lots of different words. Some of the words are about cats, others about sports or travel. There are words about film, politics and leaches. Some words are true; others are made up. There are even some words about other peoples’ words!
If you want to read some words I’ve written, just click on the READ link above. From there, you can go in lots of different directions. If you want to read about hotel pens, just mosh it up. If you’d prefer an essay on Late-Stage Cannibalism, you can search that too.
Mostly though, the words are going to be about baseball, travel, psychedelic freakouts and rock ‘n’ roll. And me. There are lots of stories with me in them. Not so many stories about me, but they’re all by me, so there’s a bit of my deranged perspective in every piece. The name of the website is braim.es, after all. What did you think it was going to be about?
One thing you won’t find by clicking any link on this website is anything by or for a eye. This website is 100% hand-made. It’s a fucking craft website. It may well be the last website ever launched that isn’t generated by a eye. There is of course no way of knowing this for sure, but there isn’t really anyone home to tell me I can’t say that because it’s my website.
Welcome to braim.es!
--your pal, Jeff Braim.es