How to Write Good

So I thought it might motivate me to write more if I attended a writer's conference. Actually, my wife thought it might motivate me to write more if I attended a writer's conference. My analyst agreed. So I took the first step toward attending a writer's conference— that step being thinking about attending a writer's conference.

After that I actually clicked on the link to the writer's conference registration page and read some of the bullet points and other blocks of type, but that got overwhelming rather quickly, so I closed the window and went back to merely thinking about attending a writer's conference. I was relieved when my phone rang, and even though I didn't want to talk with Sandra Salvo about her new listing on 40th Street, I answered the call so I wouldn't have to keep thinking about attending a writer's conference. The conversation was brief, but by then it was almost time for lunch, so I resolved to think more about the writer's conference later in the afternoon.

Next thing I knew it was Sunday.

My wife asked if I'd thought any more about registering for the writer's conference and I said yes, because I literally had thought about it. Then she asked if I had registered for it yet, and I said no but that I planned to. So after checking my email and vacuuming, I checked my email once more and then clicked on the registration page again. It was easier to get through this time because I'd already read most of it, and I easily  found the place where I'd left off a couple of days earlier. I got through it this time and minimized the form.

I found myself back at the thinking about the writer's conference stage. Even though I'd technically completed the reading the registration information phase, I didn't feel like I had the slightest idea what I would do or say at this conference. I opened my email and looked at my phone. I checked the weather.

Breathing a thin sigh I went to get my wallet.

Later that evening when I told my wife I’d registered, she was delighted.  My analyst seemed very encouraged also. Though I know it can't possibly work this way, a certain rogue part of me wants to believe that I can gain this type of enthusiastic approval by merely registering  for enrichment activities without actually engaging in them. Most of the time you can cancel registrations for a small fee, maybe $75. I could register for writer's conferences, business seminars, tax workshops, yoga retreats, and watercolor classes without ever actually having to attend them. Surely the resulting boost to my image would be worth a couple of hundred dollars a quarter! I don't need the skills or the experience— I just want that confirmation code!  Dragging the congratulatory email into a file titled enrichment or growth, I'd feel my confidence swelling and the admiring ( even envious! ) gazes upon me from all directions.

I can't believe no one's ever thought of this. If I was actually planning on attending a writer's conference or a firewalking seminar, this would be a good elevator speech. I’ll think about it…